Plan B

Hey there-

I was reading Dear Abby this morning. There was a letter from a woman who had complaints about her boyfriend, possible fiancé’s, ex-wife. In her answer “Abby” said; “nasty ex-wives are nothing new”.

Neither are wicked step-mothers, right?

WTF?

Why do we keep doing this to ourselves, ladies?

I am not an innocent. I do my part as the “wicked step-mom” by not allowing TV or food in bedrooms, keeping a color coded calendar with rotating chores, freaking out when children don’t make their beds before sitting in front of an electronic square box, and ruining a perfectly good dinner hour fuming about a cell phone ringing during it. I have also been known to complain when we have to check in with the “nasty ex-wife” before booking our family vacation.

Frankly, I don’t feel mature enough most days to deal with the situations that crop up when children live half their life in a different house. I guess my self esteem wasn’t what I thought it was going into this thing.

For what it’s worth I have learned two important things in my *vast* experience with being a merged family (five years). The first one is when people say parenting is the toughest job you will ever love they probably haven’t been a step-parent. The second, and more important one, is that we are all doing what we think is best for our household.

I would have been so much better off if I had just listened to my mother years ago, before I was even a step-parent. I was a new mom and filled with angst about one thing or another and asked my mom how she had dealt with all the worry and second guessing she must have experienced while raising seven children.

“I didn’t worry as much as you girls seem to these days,” she said simply, shrugging her shoulders. “I just did the best I could.”

So, to all you wicked step-moms and nasty ex-wives out there…..let’s stop beating ourselves up, we are all just doing the best we can.

Thanks for checking in-

Irene

Hey there,

Space……… the final frontier.

Everyone seems to want more space. Just ask any pioneer, or any person trading in their “starter home” for a bigger model these days. A big difference between the pioneer and the modern suburban family appears to me to be where people want the space.

On a recent family vacation to Yellowstone we drove past lots of abandoned homestead houses on our way through South Dakota and Montana. These houses were all rather small structures surrounded by lots and lots of land. As opposed to the houses I drive past in many suburbs around the country today, big houses and not a lot of land.

Given a choice I think I side with the pioneers. I would take open green space over a big house. That being said, I live in a rather small house and have a postage stamp size yard. Hmmmmmm, where does that leave me? And what does this have to do with being a merged family?

When the merge was first talked about many assumed we would be moving to a bigger house. People couldn’t believe we weren’t even considering moving to a house with more space. For me more space simply means more to clean, more stuff you have to buy to fill up the bigger space, more space to heat, and more home improvement projects.

Not to say there aren’t times when I have dreams of knocking down walls to open up the little space we currently have. And bedtime can be a challenge with three boys in a room. I am certain we experience bedtime antics that folks who have one child per room can’t even imagine. And the girl’s room…..don’t even get me started. Of course if they would just use the closet and drawers for the purpose for which they are intended……….

I do enjoy the looks we get from folks when they hear about our little three- bedroom Bungalow and the seven people who live there. A mix of pity and shock maybe? 

As for the kids, mine anyway, who have nothing to compare their situation with, they think nothing of their cramped space. As a matter of fact, Henry and Arthur have been pushing for another baby (NOT going to happen) and when I ask them where the baby would sleep they look at me as if I were a little dense and say; “If it’s a boy, the boys room, and if it’s a girl, the girls room.” Duh!!?!?!?!? Who says there can’t be four boys in a room?

So there you have it. When Sam, who has his own room at his mom’s house, complains about the lack of space I just smile and say; “Hey, you will probably share a room most of your adult life. I’m just helping you prepare for college, the army, marriage, or jail……..take your pick.”

Now that I’m on the topic of space, and the lack there of, I’m wondering about all of those abandoned homestead houses. I know history tell us they were abandoned because people couldn’t survive living off the land in the harsh climate. But it’s possible everyone freaked out at the lack of space inside the house on those long winter nights and ran screaming into the night.

As for me, I am going to hunker down and enjoy my little space in the world. And when I freak out, as I sometimes do, and want to go screaming into the night, I will keep Deepak Chopra in mind and his very wise words:

In the midst of movement and chaos, keep stillness inside of you.

Thanks for checking in-

Irene